People are speculating on the dailykos why Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination....
Ah, shit, I'm too tired to talk about that now.
I'm going to talk about something I did what I think was monumentally stupid. I had sex with this woman, unprotected, without a condom. What the fuck was I thinking???!! She could have HIV/AIDS. (*) Indeed, I could have. Maybe, I'm being too tense and serious.
In the past few days, I have learned that my boss at my college in Beijing doesn't want me to stay in the college next year, from this September. What a fucking inconvenience!! The Olympic Games will be held in Beijing in the next few weeks and I think it's going to be damn fucking hard to find a job, a good job. I wanted to stay in my old job and I have to say I am so so shocked that I can't. I'm assuming my boss makes the decisions. Apparently, he doesn't want to employ me for another year because we had a quarrel a few months ago and I said to him, "Fuck you" in front of another teacher. He kept saying to me the other day, "You ought to reflect on what you have done.".(**) He insists that he doesn't dislike me but he appears to be saying I'm not a good enough teacher. Anyway, I didn't want to get into a tit-for-tat. I let it go. Maybe, it's a good thing I get out of that job. The following day, I asked my boss on the phone about the medical test results and he said that I was strong and that wasn't a problem so,hopefully, any problem there isn't the reason.
Could it be that my college is holding back the reason until I have finished my work for their college. They are cynically keeping me out of the loop/uninformed?. Was it my blood test (as a part of my overall medical test) a few weeks ago. All the teachers in the college were tested. Am I HIV positive, do I have Hepatitis B or C? Jesus.
Paul, you are always so fucking scared. Jesus. I think Paul you need to relax. [sighs]. I'm staying with a woman now in my apartment (she says in the second bedroom. But, I guess I have to concede we do, to some extent, "play around" . The same woman I mentioned above. I'm scared she may have something in her blood. She told me a few days ago she was going to have a blood test because, apparently,this thing is obligatory in Beijing these days. Then, last night, we talked and she said she was thinking of going back to her city of origin for good to see her daughter, leaving me. (she said she didn't like her present job working as a waitress making little money and she may try to find a more suitable job in Beijing before making a final decision to go back to her city of origin) She says she likes me. I told her, you know, I like her and I would miss her if she went back. [sighs]. I bet she's not going to do that blood test.
As of now, I don't know what the condition of my blood is. If my boss knows everything, then I was fine when the battery tests were done on me in April along with onthe other teachers in the college, both foreign and Chinese. Last week, I was hit with the stupidity of what I did. (***) I had unprotected sex, or, at least, atempted sexual intercourse, although my dick didn't get completely erect and ejaculate. [sighs]. And, my Chinese friend was saying to me, "me, boys say that it feel good to go up no condom. good feel, nice rub" in her Chinglish. (****) Jesus, Paul. Ultimately, you're responsible. So, right now, thinking of that, I am terrified.
HIV/AIDS. In the 1980s, the right wing, the Christian fundamentalists condemned this condition as an homosexual plague. They still do. They said and say that it was the result of a vengeful God having his vengence against these bad people who behaved in a more unnatural way than dogs in the street.(*****) [sighs]. Now, I am scared. And, Paul Carr, you/I am/are always scared.
I guess I'm just upset at the news that I can't stay at my college for another year (after working for 2 years there). I had a test done in April. Shouldn't the college/school have told me if there was something wrong, e.g. HIV, Hepatitis B/C. I work in a college. Most of the foreign teachers are in the college. I don't have much contact with them, except for one man who I meet on the bus some mornings on the way to work. He told me that the results, the dry, emotionless results, were placed on their desks (in the school, where he works,but not the college). Me, I got no results at all. I rang my boss, the day after he told me he didn't want to renew my contract. He said that no teachers in the college got the results in paper, unless there was something wrong with anyone in particular. This wasn't the case. So, he assured me I was strong and okay. (******) That, apparently, wasn't the reason I am being fired. [signs]. Now, I could go over to the Foreign Affairs Office and ask for the hard copy of these results. But, well, I'd be scared shitless to do that. HeHe.
Is it my sex blog? The Vengeful God cooked up by religious fundamentalists wants to give me my comeuppance?
I'm tired of being afraid all the time. (*******) As I get older, I hope to get scared less and less. I ought to be brave. [sighs].
Okay, so far, I think I'm okay. But, I'm worried. Maybe, my boss doesn't know the whole story. Maybe, he's been cut out of the decision making loop and the complete information loop. My college is a private college. My boss, the dean of my department, doesn't have the same power and prestige as a dean in a public college, funded by the Government, has. Is it possible that the lady in the foreign affairs office, got the results directly from the doctors and laborititian (correction: laboratorian) (looked it up in dictionary.com) and she rang my overall boss, my boss's boss to inform him of the results and these two bastards decided to annul any possible contract for the upcoming year. (without telling me or my boss the reason). How fucking cynical can one get if that is indeed the reason. Jesus. And, this is why I am so so scared now.
I think that woman in the Foreign Affairs Officer can be incredibly rude sometimes, strike that, she's rude. I was talking to her the other day on the phone. I rarely talk with her on the phone or otherwise. I asked her to ring Mr [deleted], my boss's boss, about working another year in my college which I wanted to do for an extra 500 rmb per month. At one point, she says to me, "That's your problem" when I pointed out to her that I hadn't talked with her in six months. I was trying to make the point to her that I rarely call her and, you know, I ask her to do a small favour for me every once in a while. It's not like I bother her too much. I don't think she picked up the meaning.
So, I'm scared shitless now of working in this college. I guess the best strategy I can think of is not to think about it, try not to worry about it. Are these bastards going to take me aside in two weeks time after I have done giving the final exams to my students and say, "hey, you're hiv positive." We're not employing you again next year. We're sorry." (********) Maybe, we can strike the "I'm sorry". This is how these bastards treat someone who has worked for them for 2 years? Fucking bastards. I'm going to hate working for them for the next two weeks.
I'll plod on. Fuck it.
Paul Carr
(*) On the fucking same day, I learned my boss didn't want to renew my contract next year. I learned this through the officer at the Foreign Affairs Office. My boss wasn't very forthcoming. He told me previously that, "whether you can stay another year, will depend on how hard you work in the final very weeks in this college". [sighs]. Don't trust me, eh... Anyway, on that same day, I read an article in the China Daily about these "sugar daddies" in Uganda who have HIV and pass their infections on to young underage girls. They pay them money or buy them presents. And, they know they have the disease. And, my Chinese friend, she lives in the other bedroom in my two bedroom apartment, has had sex with 4 men last year, I think, similar to me. I had kinda sex or imtimate contact with 3 other women. But, one of these men kinda reminded me of a "sugar daddy". My Chinese friend, my sex friend, told me that he had many girlfriends. And, to the best of my knowledge, they don't use condoms. He doesn't use them. Jesus!!. He is very rich,rather like a sugar daddy. And, that reminds me of my "sex blog" where I write about my sexual fantasies. Most of them are about, you know, kinda sugar daddy fantasies too, younger girls/women and older men. Jesus. Is it .......[sighs] And the Christian fundamentalists are always talking about...oh, what.... [sighs].
Jesus. Ah shit..
(**) As well as constantly pointing his finger at me. Jesus. Damn aggressive. He's difficult to work with but I guess I should try to work with him and close out this contract which I want to successfully complete. (*********)
(***) What a feeling of resignation and defeat that was. It was the same day I was told my boss didn't want me to continue to work in my college for another year. The same day I read that article in China Daily about "sugar daddies" giving gifts and money in exchange for sex with young (under-aged) girls and passing on their infection which they know they have, to them. I felt like shit. I felt defeated. Maybe, it was just the trauma of knowing I was losing my established job, a job I had hoped to keep, despite its low wage. I love my students there. And, I felt I got on reasonably well with most of the teachers. But, maybe, it's right that I should move on (to greater and better things?). Sighs. I hate to rock the boat too much.
Maybe, I'm the sort of guy who always wants to find something to worry about...
(****) I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Perhaps, I was thinking, you know, my priority was not to have any Little Pauls" any, "Little Me"s. She kept talking about how she had just finished her period so it was unlikely that she would be impregnated. But, ultimately, this was my fault, my choice. Paul. She had told you everything, Paul, about the 49 year old sugar daddy, the rich man, in her home town who had multiple girlfriends (**********). And, does he have something? something that he may have passed on to her? Jesus. Sometimes, to live in ignorance is comforting. Horrifying. But, my Chinese friend looks healthy enough. But, she's actually from the countryside where incidences of HIV infection are higher still. Maybe, I should be worried about Hepatitis B/C more than HIV? I read that 130 million Chinese ar infected with Hepatitis B, 30 million of whom are chronic sufferers. But, I read, that with HIV or Hepatitis, you may have these conditions and not know it, at least at the beginning. [sighs]. You know, the thing is. I actually had condoms in my apartment. I still didn't use them. Maybe, I was looking for natural spontaneous sex, the sort of sex I can write up on my sex blog, beautiful, momentary,momentous and........ fatal. As someone wrote, "Don't gamble with your life.".[sighs] (***********)
(*****) I have an uncle back in Ireland who actually said something like this. He said something like, "You see those dogs out there on the street. They behave better than homosexuals."
(******) He offered to have the written results sent to me. I declined. I figured at the time if he said I was fine because nobody told him that there were problems with me, what's the point of seeing the results. And, frankly, I'm too fucking terrified to see them. to se that fucking line. HIV positive? Yes? No? Tick box. (************)
(*******) This was a famous line said by Brook Hadlin in the film "The Shawshank Redemption" (1994).
(********) Gotta talk about this. I know little about what goes on in the school but I can tell you that last year there was this black American who started working in the school and, to the best of my knowledge,the school sent him back home because he failed some medical test, I can't remember what it was. I know that many schools/colleges/institutes in China are very reluctant to employ someone who has hepatitis
(*********). Closing out this contract may transpire to be like walking down the valley of tears.
(**********) I will say, in fairness though, my chinese friend, has told me that this 49 year old man is in good health.
(***********) I will say though that while more people in China have hepatitis than HIV. HIV terrifies the shit out of me even more. No cure. Can only be supressed. Only way to protect yourself from this disease is to use a condom and, if you didn't, at the critical time, the virus gets though via blood, vaginal fluid or semen. [sighs]. A death sentence? Maybe not. But, jesus, I don't want this.
(************). And, the woman in the foreign affairs office, looks at me quizzically and says, "Oh, what's the matter?' Whilst my lmbs go limp with horror and despair and hopelessness and tears well up in my eyes. I'm no longer the clean guy I was before. I only started making sexual contact with others last year when I was 33 years old. But, you know, if I want to have children, if I want to be a father, you know, I've got to make a start there now, haven't I. And, at 33/34 years old, I suggest you start making it your prerogative. My dad though didn't marry my mum until he was 35. Fuck it, I don't want that. I mean I don't want to read that slip of paper if I can. I'll just relax. Relax, Paul, take it easy... Chill, chill, you'll be fine. It, of course, could be worse and the woman in the foreign afairs office will say, "Oh, yeah, this is why we're not keeping your next year. We only keep alpha males in this college/school." And, then to add insult to injury, cap off with "I'm sorry." [sighs].
On a final note, One thing I can do is get the Hepatitis B vaccine. That will protect me from the most widespread form of Hepatitis in China. But, it won't protect me from Hepatitis C for which there is no cure or vaccine.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Domestic Violence
I've finally decided to write on this matter. I've written on it before. The last time I wrote about it, maybe 18 months ago?, my sister rang me and told me to remove her name. I obliged. But, I also told her I didn't want to talk to her again.
You know I don't want to go through life with latent anger over this or that, or anger with my deceased dad. My Dad had many good qualities. Unfortunately, when it came to domestic violence, he had a terrible quality. But, I think I should into the future come to forgive him for it.
I am now sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with a woman. Ordinarily, she stays in the second bedroom. And, she told me that her husband hits her and that she hates him. She tells me that he's lazy making only 600 rmb per month in ********* as a security guard. She has a child.
I don't know what I was thinking. I decided to take her into my apartment. She wanted out of her life in ********* and wants to make a fresh start in Beijing. Her child is being looked after by her husband's sister with whom she has a good relationship. Every 10 days or so, she goes back to ********* to meet briefly with her child.
I don't know if I'm helping her. She has a place to stay and I pay the rent. She's awfully busy at the minute, doing an English language translation course at the weekend and working split shifts most of the time she is not doing that at a local foreign restaurant. Her child is a 5 year old daughter.
I guess she's very pretty. But, now, and it's about a month since I let her into my apartment, I'm asking myself why did I do this? I guess, first and foremost, there was the issue of domestic violence. Her dumb husband used to hit her. Indeed, just 2 days before she moved into my apartment on a more permanent basis, her husband hit her. And, that, my friends, makes my blood boil.
How thick can one get? And his behaviour reminded me of my father's stupidity on this matter. He hit me. He hit my mother. I used to hear my mother's screams whilst I was in my bedroom as my father screamed at her to "shut up" and hit her, persumably because my mother was "bitching" about telling my Dad to get a job. He was on sickness benefit because he got suddenly ill (after an operation) after 1981 I think until his death in 1991. Maybe, it was both their fault. Maybe, they were both behaving stupidly. [sighs]. But, anyway, my dad hit my sister. My sister told me this. And, it was because I wrote about this before, about what my sister told me, she's 3 years older than me, that she rang me and asked me to remove her name from the entry and I duly did. My brother, I don't know. My younger brother, 15 months younger than me, I don't know. But, I reckon my Dad even hit him. Because I'm thinking, hitting people like that is a mental illness!!.
And,this young woman who has moved into my apartment in Beijing (@) also told me the same thing. It's a mental illness. My Dad erroneously thought and resolutely and sincerely believed until the day he died unfortunately that he had a right to hit his family members because he owned each and every one of us, his two sons, his daughter and his wife. What a neanderthal!!.
You know one reason I keep this blog is that it enables me to peer into my past and confront the sources of my anger. I should confront these sources and seek to mend them and by mending them I can come to forgive finally and resolutely those who have spouted those sources of resentment in the first place. Blogging can be a very powerful thing, a powerful weapon, a powerful means of liberation. I intend to wield it as such.
[sighs]. And, yes, I'd like to forgive my Dad whilst at the same time resolutely and unequivocably condemning all his acts of violence AND the flawed philosophy he leaned on to justify his acts of violence.
My Dad wasn't the best of communicators. I don't think communication was a good thing in our family. I certainly wasn't a good communicator at the time. Communication between family members was gruff, somewhat sulky. Of course, material circumstances didn't help. Our family's finances were difficult throughout the 1980s, (@@) after my Dad left his job, had an operation to remove a kidney, I understand in 1981, an emergency operation from which he apparently didn't fully recover. Although, my mother, who was a nurse, apparently thought he had recovered enough to get some sort of office job at any rate. And, in fairness to my Dad, he did try to get some work from time to time, including boring pedestrian office work. But, much of the time, between 1981 and 1991, he was out playing golf. He died in 1991.
And, I guess this is also the well spring of my politics. I'm left-of-centre in my politics. Kinda a rarity in the Republic of Ireland where I come from. Our famliy had difficult financial circumstances forced upon us in the 1980s. They weren't easy times for many families in the Republic of Ireland.(@@@) Unemployment was nearly 300,000 which was huge for a country of only 3.6 million or so at the time. Our family wasn't the only one who suffered. And the politicians from the two right wing political parties, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail (@@@@), who were in power, didn't seem to be doing much about it. Champagne politicians so-to-speak. Like Garret Fitzgerald, the leader of Fine Gael from 1982 to 1987 and Taoiseach of the Country during that time and Charlies Haughey, leader of Fianna Fail and leader (Taoiseach) of the country from 1987 to 1991. They were comfortable and middle class (@@@@@) and didn't know much about our hardships. Unfortunately, these two poltical parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael continue to dominate the political landscape today in the Republic of Ireland.
Labour, in theory a left-wing party, remains only the third largest. [sighs]. I'd like to see more government intervention to create more jobs, and a job that may have given my father more dignity and direction in the 1980s when he needed one, a long term reliable job.
But, I digress. Back to the issue of domestic violence. I want to also talk about another source of annoyance sometimes. My Aunt, my father's sister, his big sister, once went with us for a dinner I think a few months after my father died in November 1991. She told us that [gasp] my father "never lifted a finger against anyone". He would never hurt a bee or something like that. Oh, Aunty, you remember that wide-eyed doe-eyed cute and sweet little brother who you used to cuddle and play soft games with back in the 1930s and 1940s. Wonderful!. But, please don't be telling me about how I should remember my Dad or please don't tell me that a spade is a shovel or that right is wrong or wrong is right. I remember my Dad was violent to me and my mother. That wasn't a figment of my imagination. Yeah, Dad, had, in the words of my Chinese flatmate, a "mental illness" without a shadow of doubt where he thought it was a-okay to hit and beat and humiliate and treat like a piece of shit his family members.
So, temper is something I take very seriously and I hate to lose it myself. But, sometimes, I do. As I told a friend a few days ago, I should translate that anger, that temper into something positive, I should learn to harness it, constrict it and transform it into something positive, something creative. I must learn to be inspired. Inspiration is something you don't necessarily learn. It is something you create from the well spring of your imagination. I need to be inspired. Hence, I shouldn't call my blog paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com but rather I think I need to be free as a bird and lift off and take off and be happy. And, that is exactly is what I intend to do.
Nobody knows when they are going to die. It's time for me to face my fears and realise this. Life is a lottery. You can't control your fate. So, enjoy life and, as one person told me recently, live each day as if it is your last. HeHe. That was the woman who I wrote previously was annoying me.
Paul Carr
************ I have removed the city. I don't want to identify this lady. I'll just say she's very nice. And, I am impressed with her honesty with me.
(@) Perhaps, irrelevant information, but she's Chinese. I hope we can do a language exchange. She teach me Chinese and I teach her more English. Her English is at an intermediate level now. Quite good. I wish her all the best with the translation course she is doing but it's going to be a steep climb this year for her...
(@@) In contrast to the 1970s, when our finances were quite good and we had a large house. I have vague memories of it.
(@@@) And, it would be remiss of me not to point out that domestic violence was (and maybe still is) quite extensive in the Republic of Ireland. I recall the Republic of Ireland cited by Amnesty International on this issue back in the early 1990s. So, is there a culture of domestic violence. No doubt!! Certainly there was. In our schools, in the Republic of Ireland, we are taught about the heroism of people like Patrick Pearse who believed in blood sacrifice and who was the mastermind of the 1916 Easter uprising against British rule. A man who would only be photographed on one side apparently because he had a scar on the other side of his face. Really? Or perhaps it was just to add to his mystique. "Manly" sports like Gaelic football were promoted from the 1880s. But, the Republic of Ireland aren't too hot on more "feminine" sports such as gymnastics... Masculinity as well as religiosity (specifically Catholicism) were promoted in the Irish Free State after 1922 and the Republic of Ireland after 1937. Women were to be confined to the home as even outlined in our constitution in 1937. Read it, if you don't believe me. Of course when you have these state-sanctions laws and directives, it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to conclude that some men, including my father, will take the next step and conclude logically that they are the rightful owners of their wives and children.
(@@@@) Fianna Fail and Fine Gael are right wing political parties. Fianna Fail dates back to 1927 and Fine Gael to 1933 I think, arising out of the ashed of Cumann Na Gael. I'll have to check that spelling . That was the ruling political party in the Irish Free State in the 1920s. They were not divided on social issues, on issues of left and right like in many European democratic countries but rather on whether one supported the Treaty of 1922 or not, the Treaty that established the Irish Free State. Fianna Fail comprised those who opposed it. Fine Gael those who supported it. And even today, the Republic of Ireland, a politically stable state, on the edge of north western Europe, has these two political parties as the two largest. Labour, the, in theory socialist party, has historically, been a distant third. And, its strength confined mostly to Dublin, not rural Donegal, the backwater, I grew up in. Kinda like Steven Colbert's South Carolina. Yeah, the more I think about it, the worse it gets.
(@@@@@) Charlie Haughey's sexual escapades with Terry Keane in the Wicklow mountains come to mind. Yeah, here's a man who really cares about the hardships of ordinary people. Charlie Haughey passed away I think last year
You know I don't want to go through life with latent anger over this or that, or anger with my deceased dad. My Dad had many good qualities. Unfortunately, when it came to domestic violence, he had a terrible quality. But, I think I should into the future come to forgive him for it.
I am now sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with a woman. Ordinarily, she stays in the second bedroom. And, she told me that her husband hits her and that she hates him. She tells me that he's lazy making only 600 rmb per month in ********* as a security guard. She has a child.
I don't know what I was thinking. I decided to take her into my apartment. She wanted out of her life in ********* and wants to make a fresh start in Beijing. Her child is being looked after by her husband's sister with whom she has a good relationship. Every 10 days or so, she goes back to ********* to meet briefly with her child.
I don't know if I'm helping her. She has a place to stay and I pay the rent. She's awfully busy at the minute, doing an English language translation course at the weekend and working split shifts most of the time she is not doing that at a local foreign restaurant. Her child is a 5 year old daughter.
I guess she's very pretty. But, now, and it's about a month since I let her into my apartment, I'm asking myself why did I do this? I guess, first and foremost, there was the issue of domestic violence. Her dumb husband used to hit her. Indeed, just 2 days before she moved into my apartment on a more permanent basis, her husband hit her. And, that, my friends, makes my blood boil.
How thick can one get? And his behaviour reminded me of my father's stupidity on this matter. He hit me. He hit my mother. I used to hear my mother's screams whilst I was in my bedroom as my father screamed at her to "shut up" and hit her, persumably because my mother was "bitching" about telling my Dad to get a job. He was on sickness benefit because he got suddenly ill (after an operation) after 1981 I think until his death in 1991. Maybe, it was both their fault. Maybe, they were both behaving stupidly. [sighs]. But, anyway, my dad hit my sister. My sister told me this. And, it was because I wrote about this before, about what my sister told me, she's 3 years older than me, that she rang me and asked me to remove her name from the entry and I duly did. My brother, I don't know. My younger brother, 15 months younger than me, I don't know. But, I reckon my Dad even hit him. Because I'm thinking, hitting people like that is a mental illness!!.
And,this young woman who has moved into my apartment in Beijing (@) also told me the same thing. It's a mental illness. My Dad erroneously thought and resolutely and sincerely believed until the day he died unfortunately that he had a right to hit his family members because he owned each and every one of us, his two sons, his daughter and his wife. What a neanderthal!!.
You know one reason I keep this blog is that it enables me to peer into my past and confront the sources of my anger. I should confront these sources and seek to mend them and by mending them I can come to forgive finally and resolutely those who have spouted those sources of resentment in the first place. Blogging can be a very powerful thing, a powerful weapon, a powerful means of liberation. I intend to wield it as such.
[sighs]. And, yes, I'd like to forgive my Dad whilst at the same time resolutely and unequivocably condemning all his acts of violence AND the flawed philosophy he leaned on to justify his acts of violence.
My Dad wasn't the best of communicators. I don't think communication was a good thing in our family. I certainly wasn't a good communicator at the time. Communication between family members was gruff, somewhat sulky. Of course, material circumstances didn't help. Our family's finances were difficult throughout the 1980s, (@@) after my Dad left his job, had an operation to remove a kidney, I understand in 1981, an emergency operation from which he apparently didn't fully recover. Although, my mother, who was a nurse, apparently thought he had recovered enough to get some sort of office job at any rate. And, in fairness to my Dad, he did try to get some work from time to time, including boring pedestrian office work. But, much of the time, between 1981 and 1991, he was out playing golf. He died in 1991.
And, I guess this is also the well spring of my politics. I'm left-of-centre in my politics. Kinda a rarity in the Republic of Ireland where I come from. Our famliy had difficult financial circumstances forced upon us in the 1980s. They weren't easy times for many families in the Republic of Ireland.(@@@) Unemployment was nearly 300,000 which was huge for a country of only 3.6 million or so at the time. Our family wasn't the only one who suffered. And the politicians from the two right wing political parties, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail (@@@@), who were in power, didn't seem to be doing much about it. Champagne politicians so-to-speak. Like Garret Fitzgerald, the leader of Fine Gael from 1982 to 1987 and Taoiseach of the Country during that time and Charlies Haughey, leader of Fianna Fail and leader (Taoiseach) of the country from 1987 to 1991. They were comfortable and middle class (@@@@@) and didn't know much about our hardships. Unfortunately, these two poltical parties, Fianna Fail and Fine Gael continue to dominate the political landscape today in the Republic of Ireland.
Labour, in theory a left-wing party, remains only the third largest. [sighs]. I'd like to see more government intervention to create more jobs, and a job that may have given my father more dignity and direction in the 1980s when he needed one, a long term reliable job.
But, I digress. Back to the issue of domestic violence. I want to also talk about another source of annoyance sometimes. My Aunt, my father's sister, his big sister, once went with us for a dinner I think a few months after my father died in November 1991. She told us that [gasp] my father "never lifted a finger against anyone". He would never hurt a bee or something like that. Oh, Aunty, you remember that wide-eyed doe-eyed cute and sweet little brother who you used to cuddle and play soft games with back in the 1930s and 1940s. Wonderful!. But, please don't be telling me about how I should remember my Dad or please don't tell me that a spade is a shovel or that right is wrong or wrong is right. I remember my Dad was violent to me and my mother. That wasn't a figment of my imagination. Yeah, Dad, had, in the words of my Chinese flatmate, a "mental illness" without a shadow of doubt where he thought it was a-okay to hit and beat and humiliate and treat like a piece of shit his family members.
So, temper is something I take very seriously and I hate to lose it myself. But, sometimes, I do. As I told a friend a few days ago, I should translate that anger, that temper into something positive, I should learn to harness it, constrict it and transform it into something positive, something creative. I must learn to be inspired. Inspiration is something you don't necessarily learn. It is something you create from the well spring of your imagination. I need to be inspired. Hence, I shouldn't call my blog paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com but rather I think I need to be free as a bird and lift off and take off and be happy. And, that is exactly is what I intend to do.
Nobody knows when they are going to die. It's time for me to face my fears and realise this. Life is a lottery. You can't control your fate. So, enjoy life and, as one person told me recently, live each day as if it is your last. HeHe. That was the woman who I wrote previously was annoying me.
Paul Carr
************ I have removed the city. I don't want to identify this lady. I'll just say she's very nice. And, I am impressed with her honesty with me.
(@) Perhaps, irrelevant information, but she's Chinese. I hope we can do a language exchange. She teach me Chinese and I teach her more English. Her English is at an intermediate level now. Quite good. I wish her all the best with the translation course she is doing but it's going to be a steep climb this year for her...
(@@) In contrast to the 1970s, when our finances were quite good and we had a large house. I have vague memories of it.
(@@@) And, it would be remiss of me not to point out that domestic violence was (and maybe still is) quite extensive in the Republic of Ireland. I recall the Republic of Ireland cited by Amnesty International on this issue back in the early 1990s. So, is there a culture of domestic violence. No doubt!! Certainly there was. In our schools, in the Republic of Ireland, we are taught about the heroism of people like Patrick Pearse who believed in blood sacrifice and who was the mastermind of the 1916 Easter uprising against British rule. A man who would only be photographed on one side apparently because he had a scar on the other side of his face. Really? Or perhaps it was just to add to his mystique. "Manly" sports like Gaelic football were promoted from the 1880s. But, the Republic of Ireland aren't too hot on more "feminine" sports such as gymnastics... Masculinity as well as religiosity (specifically Catholicism) were promoted in the Irish Free State after 1922 and the Republic of Ireland after 1937. Women were to be confined to the home as even outlined in our constitution in 1937. Read it, if you don't believe me. Of course when you have these state-sanctions laws and directives, it doesn't take a rocket-scientist to conclude that some men, including my father, will take the next step and conclude logically that they are the rightful owners of their wives and children.
(@@@@) Fianna Fail and Fine Gael are right wing political parties. Fianna Fail dates back to 1927 and Fine Gael to 1933 I think, arising out of the ashed of Cumann Na Gael. I'll have to check that spelling . That was the ruling political party in the Irish Free State in the 1920s. They were not divided on social issues, on issues of left and right like in many European democratic countries but rather on whether one supported the Treaty of 1922 or not, the Treaty that established the Irish Free State. Fianna Fail comprised those who opposed it. Fine Gael those who supported it. And even today, the Republic of Ireland, a politically stable state, on the edge of north western Europe, has these two political parties as the two largest. Labour, the, in theory socialist party, has historically, been a distant third. And, its strength confined mostly to Dublin, not rural Donegal, the backwater, I grew up in. Kinda like Steven Colbert's South Carolina. Yeah, the more I think about it, the worse it gets.
(@@@@@) Charlie Haughey's sexual escapades with Terry Keane in the Wicklow mountains come to mind. Yeah, here's a man who really cares about the hardships of ordinary people. Charlie Haughey passed away I think last year
More on that annoying woman.
I've got more to write about that annoying woman I wrote about previously. Oh, I can't get her scratch off me no matter how much I scratch. Okay, let me say this. She said to me, "You always complain." Bullshit. I don't always complain. I only complain when I have cause to complain. I guess I'm still going over the what-if scenarios. What if I had done this instead of that maybe we could still be friends or more. But, anyway, never mind. I've been stung my cruel women before.
Paul Carr
Paul Carr
Friday, June 6, 2008
False Start. This is my new blog.
I decided to set up yet another new blog. Because the first blog had a profile from another blog, a sexy blog I have. So, I set up a new blogger account and set up a new blog. It's here. Thanks for visiting.
http://paulcarrmystory.blogspot.com
Paul Carr
http://paulcarrmystory.blogspot.com
Paul Carr
New Blog
Okay,I've set up a new blog at http://paulcarrmylife.blogspot.com
HeHe
Anyway, I had a blog called http://paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com
But,I think the title is too depressing!!. I'm more than just being angry sometimes. I've got to move beyond that. And realise that, Paul Carr, you truely are a wonderful human being. Stop strapping yourself down.
HeHe
Anyway, I had a blog called http://paulcarrangermanagement.blogspot.com
But,I think the title is too depressing!!. I'm more than just being angry sometimes. I've got to move beyond that. And realise that, Paul Carr, you truely are a wonderful human being. Stop strapping yourself down.
Next Annoying Woman
Sorry for writing about this. You know, I am seriously thinking now of making a fresh start with my blog. That is, a new one. My europeanpaulcarr msn blog was deleted TWICE last year. Bullshit. I am thinking of moving over to a more reliable service. At this point in time, maybe blogspot.
Anyway, I'm not going to go into too much detail on this woman. Just to say, she saw my ad on thebeijinger. And we chatted briefly over a period of 3 days. Before our last conversation ended, she said to me, "You always complain". I replied, "No, I don't. I'm just pointing out that in our last conversation you didn't answer my question, "How are you?" "What are you doing?".(*) Anyway, she then announced in bold letters that you didn't want to meet me or maybe something really immature like she never wanted to meet me ever and had no intention of meeting me ever. Okay, bitch, that being the case, why the fuck did you reply to my ad. After I have done writing this, I'm going to delete all her photos.(**)(***)
Must say though, I'll miss the photos. She's pretty. But, I'll be honest with you, the last few times I was chatting (read typing) with her on msn messenger, my dick went quickly limp. Which only goes to show you that great sex is all about having a great personality. My impression of her: Angry, angry, angry. She doesn't like me complaining about her. Okay, let's get this straight: She appears to be looking for a westerner who doesn't complain about her ever, that is, is too afraid to complain about her, a shrinking violet so to speak. Well good luck to her. I guess in hindsight I shouldn't have been so soothing and conciliatory towards her and, yeah, I should have said straight that, yeah, I was complaining about her. (****) I've met her kind before. They're horrible. But, they're difficult to detect in their horribleness until you get up close and then they strike, like some cunning snake. I've had this sting before. There I was, at the beginning,thinking she may be the girl of my dreams. Dream on, Paul...
Okay, in our last msn chat, she said she was organizing a group tour to the Great Wall but she didn't specifically invite me.(*****) I had enough and I told her that she didn't chat with me the previous night. And, then she got all cross and finally wrote in bold letters she didn't want to meet me ever (******)and, perhaps, I can't remember, I deleted the record, she said had no intention of meeting me at all. As I wrote to her previously, I felt she was playing too hard to get.
Perhaps, there is something for a woman who plays hard to get but playing *too* hard to get is something different entirely and I'm old enough, at 34, to know the difference. Planting these fucking tests which I have no fucking way in hell of passing so why not complain? She's looking for a shrinking violet who never ever complains but I'm not prepared to be treated like such a grovelling shit.
Okay, in hindsight, maybe, I could have handled our last msn chat differently. I could have said something like, "Oh, are you inviting me?".(*******) Perhaps, she would have said "yes" at that point. She certainly didn't invite me. oh, and the previous day she said she was angry with me so she didn't phone me like she promised because of an e-mail I had written her and she subsequently read pointing out a few things and, yeah, maybe, complaining about her. Eh, let me tell you something, if you are reading this, ever think about WHY you are single? Maybe, it's because of the angry facade.. I know it is.
Yeah, I could have played the dumb male, willing to be exploited and used like a puppy, if she's in a good mood, or a mongrel, if she's in a bad mood. But, I'm not interested in playing this game. I could have said something smart like, "Oh thank you for the invitation to the Great Wall for the hiking trip", (assuming she would have invited me if I had asked the follow up question, "ARe you inviting me?". "How about our meeting tomorrow and I can give you my answer then about going". "Truth is, I do some jogging twice or three times a week so I think I am reasonably fit, maybe in the top 50% of all the foreigner males in China". I must point out that this woman is something of a fitness expert, from what I can tell or imagine. Doing various sports, keeping, sighs, very fit. My kind of woman. :-D. But, anyway, I didn't do that. I pointed out, instead, that she didn't chat with me yesterday and, frankly, I felt a little rejected and humiliated about that. Have to say her written English isn't the best allowing for misunderstandings there. I can't communicate in Chinese as of now. Yeah, she's Chinese. But, she didn't care about that. She had enough of me. Complaining that I always complain and then telling me that she didn't want to meet me in bold letters. I had already told her seconds before that (I don't know if she had time to read it) we were racing to be the first to write the most indignant response. Anyway, I wrote that I had deleted her the previous night and that it was clear she wasn't interested in meeting me. She replied OK to that.
But, back to the general point, in my ad, I wrote that I was looking for a girlfriend and I wrote that a photo would be appreciated. And, so far, only 2 women have obliged with a photo. The lady I've just talked about above being one of them. Most of the Chinese don't bother giving you their picture. Annoying. I guess it boils down to this. If I am really really sincere about getting a girlfriend at this time, maybe, I should go to a paid dating site and pay for that service where there are really people looking for girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives/life-partners and they're serious. But, on a freely accessibly site like thebeijinger, I'd reckon 90% are looking just for sexless friends, language exchange partners or impersonal sex or one-night-stands even on the boy looking for girl section and the girl looking for boy section.
[sighs]. I made a few friends from placing the ad on thebeijinger. But, nothing more than that.
Okay, should I write back to this woman and get on my knees and say, "Boo Hoo, I'm sorry". I don't think so. I'm kicking myself that this went so so fucking far. Why didn't I push the eject button straight away as soon as it became clear that she wasn't interested in meeting me.(********) That would be her first e-mail back to me after I had invited her for dinner in Beijing. She gave a non-committal answer then saying we can chat on msn messenger. [sighs]. I really don't think there's any point writing more about this. What's done is done.
I love China and I have no intention whatsoever of going back to Ireland. But, there are things I'd like to write about on my blog but I'm just too lazy or too scared not to(*********) . Well, Paul Carr, you fucking ought to. You only have the one life. Live it.
Okay, that's all.
Paul
(*) I guess the point I'm trying to make her is very simple. Conversation is two ways. I answer her questions but she doesn't answer mine. That's not conversation. That's not communication.
(**) Hmm, maybe not, she's actually very pretty with a lovely smile and Sporty. [sighs]
(***) Another point I'd like to make here is: I wanted her to chat with me on the phone. She's Chinese and her written english comprehension not so good leading to many potential and actual misunderstandings if one were to write to each other via e-mail or msn messenger. Talking would be better. I have found, in my experience, that Chinese people are better at talking and listening than reading and writing English. Just a thought.
(****) Instead, I said I wasn't complaining. I said I was merely pointing out that she didn't reply to my question the previous day "How are you?" or "What are you doing?" I can't remember the exact details I deleted the chat record. Maybe, she was annoyed about this. You see, guys, I'm going over the "what-ifs" scenarios. Paul, this is ridiculous. Maybe, she was annoyed that I was announcing that I wasn't complaining when, in her eyes, I was. Oh..
(*****) I should say at this point that she appears to be a highly motivated and successful young woman. Helping with the Sichuan earthquake. And, here I am, Paul Carr, lying on your (stinking) ass here in Beijing doing fuck all apart from learning Chinese badly and jogging occasionally.
(******) She had told me she may meet me the next day if she wasn't busy that is. Okay, here's another thing, I'm wondering to myself. Am I intimidated by successful women? Is this why I have behaved like such a shit over the past few days? Is this why she is so so successful with her own bought apartment (apparently) if I heard correctly her great job and extensive interestsm which chime nicely into her career and jet-setting lifestyle. Ah,bullshit, according to her, I don't make the grade. Good luck, lady, in finding your successful foreigner stud. Probably a Yank from Texas and an athlete to boot. I never had a chance. Time to move on Paul. Just look at her photos, breath them in, her infinite beauty and weep. HeHe
(*******) Our communications got off to a bad start and I guess there were trust issues between the two of us. That's not good. I'm just looking for a woman who will give me a hug and a kiss and wipe away my tears and rock me in her lap and sooth me and cuddle me like a new born baby. Hard to come by. But, I reckon if I really want that kind of closeness, Paul, you have to learn to trust all the more. And, take the pain, if it doesn't work out. What I'm saying, Paul Carr, is that, actually, you're heading in the right direction so keep going in that direction regardless of how fucking strong the cross-winds are. Soldier on, Paul Carr, soldier on.
(********) I still haven't. HeHe. I deleted her on msn messenger but didn't bar her. Maybe, I'm hoping she's write bck for another bout. This is her cue to write back to me to say something like, "Hey, shit, I'm NEVER MEETING YOU EVER". "Can't you read?". "I'm a successful, vindictive,materially successful and spiritual successful woman, never interested in meeting a worm like you except to be my shit pot perhaps." "To which, I reply, Oh,thank you mistress." Jesus, I have to get out of this donkey shit of a blog called msn spaces. It's completely censored. Paul Carr, what the fuck are you thinking.
(*********) And to top it all off, msn spaces is prone to censorship as I found out last year. START A BLOGSPOT BLOG, PAUL CARR!! More secure. Even if it means that ordinarily chinese people won't be reading it because of the great firewall of China and the blogspot service is often a victim of it.
Anyway, I'm not going to go into too much detail on this woman. Just to say, she saw my ad on thebeijinger. And we chatted briefly over a period of 3 days. Before our last conversation ended, she said to me, "You always complain". I replied, "No, I don't. I'm just pointing out that in our last conversation you didn't answer my question, "How are you?" "What are you doing?".(*) Anyway, she then announced in bold letters that you didn't want to meet me or maybe something really immature like she never wanted to meet me ever and had no intention of meeting me ever. Okay, bitch, that being the case, why the fuck did you reply to my ad. After I have done writing this, I'm going to delete all her photos.(**)(***)
Must say though, I'll miss the photos. She's pretty. But, I'll be honest with you, the last few times I was chatting (read typing) with her on msn messenger, my dick went quickly limp. Which only goes to show you that great sex is all about having a great personality. My impression of her: Angry, angry, angry. She doesn't like me complaining about her. Okay, let's get this straight: She appears to be looking for a westerner who doesn't complain about her ever, that is, is too afraid to complain about her, a shrinking violet so to speak. Well good luck to her. I guess in hindsight I shouldn't have been so soothing and conciliatory towards her and, yeah, I should have said straight that, yeah, I was complaining about her. (****) I've met her kind before. They're horrible. But, they're difficult to detect in their horribleness until you get up close and then they strike, like some cunning snake. I've had this sting before. There I was, at the beginning,thinking she may be the girl of my dreams. Dream on, Paul...
Okay, in our last msn chat, she said she was organizing a group tour to the Great Wall but she didn't specifically invite me.(*****) I had enough and I told her that she didn't chat with me the previous night. And, then she got all cross and finally wrote in bold letters she didn't want to meet me ever (******)and, perhaps, I can't remember, I deleted the record, she said had no intention of meeting me at all. As I wrote to her previously, I felt she was playing too hard to get.
Perhaps, there is something for a woman who plays hard to get but playing *too* hard to get is something different entirely and I'm old enough, at 34, to know the difference. Planting these fucking tests which I have no fucking way in hell of passing so why not complain? She's looking for a shrinking violet who never ever complains but I'm not prepared to be treated like such a grovelling shit.
Okay, in hindsight, maybe, I could have handled our last msn chat differently. I could have said something like, "Oh, are you inviting me?".(*******) Perhaps, she would have said "yes" at that point. She certainly didn't invite me. oh, and the previous day she said she was angry with me so she didn't phone me like she promised because of an e-mail I had written her and she subsequently read pointing out a few things and, yeah, maybe, complaining about her. Eh, let me tell you something, if you are reading this, ever think about WHY you are single? Maybe, it's because of the angry facade.. I know it is.
Yeah, I could have played the dumb male, willing to be exploited and used like a puppy, if she's in a good mood, or a mongrel, if she's in a bad mood. But, I'm not interested in playing this game. I could have said something smart like, "Oh thank you for the invitation to the Great Wall for the hiking trip", (assuming she would have invited me if I had asked the follow up question, "ARe you inviting me?". "How about our meeting tomorrow and I can give you my answer then about going". "Truth is, I do some jogging twice or three times a week so I think I am reasonably fit, maybe in the top 50% of all the foreigner males in China". I must point out that this woman is something of a fitness expert, from what I can tell or imagine. Doing various sports, keeping, sighs, very fit. My kind of woman. :-D. But, anyway, I didn't do that. I pointed out, instead, that she didn't chat with me yesterday and, frankly, I felt a little rejected and humiliated about that. Have to say her written English isn't the best allowing for misunderstandings there. I can't communicate in Chinese as of now. Yeah, she's Chinese. But, she didn't care about that. She had enough of me. Complaining that I always complain and then telling me that she didn't want to meet me in bold letters. I had already told her seconds before that (I don't know if she had time to read it) we were racing to be the first to write the most indignant response. Anyway, I wrote that I had deleted her the previous night and that it was clear she wasn't interested in meeting me. She replied OK to that.
But, back to the general point, in my ad, I wrote that I was looking for a girlfriend and I wrote that a photo would be appreciated. And, so far, only 2 women have obliged with a photo. The lady I've just talked about above being one of them. Most of the Chinese don't bother giving you their picture. Annoying. I guess it boils down to this. If I am really really sincere about getting a girlfriend at this time, maybe, I should go to a paid dating site and pay for that service where there are really people looking for girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives/life-partners and they're serious. But, on a freely accessibly site like thebeijinger, I'd reckon 90% are looking just for sexless friends, language exchange partners or impersonal sex or one-night-stands even on the boy looking for girl section and the girl looking for boy section.
[sighs]. I made a few friends from placing the ad on thebeijinger. But, nothing more than that.
Okay, should I write back to this woman and get on my knees and say, "Boo Hoo, I'm sorry". I don't think so. I'm kicking myself that this went so so fucking far. Why didn't I push the eject button straight away as soon as it became clear that she wasn't interested in meeting me.(********) That would be her first e-mail back to me after I had invited her for dinner in Beijing. She gave a non-committal answer then saying we can chat on msn messenger. [sighs]. I really don't think there's any point writing more about this. What's done is done.
I love China and I have no intention whatsoever of going back to Ireland. But, there are things I'd like to write about on my blog but I'm just too lazy or too scared not to(*********) . Well, Paul Carr, you fucking ought to. You only have the one life. Live it.
Okay, that's all.
Paul
(*) I guess the point I'm trying to make her is very simple. Conversation is two ways. I answer her questions but she doesn't answer mine. That's not conversation. That's not communication.
(**) Hmm, maybe not, she's actually very pretty with a lovely smile and Sporty. [sighs]
(***) Another point I'd like to make here is: I wanted her to chat with me on the phone. She's Chinese and her written english comprehension not so good leading to many potential and actual misunderstandings if one were to write to each other via e-mail or msn messenger. Talking would be better. I have found, in my experience, that Chinese people are better at talking and listening than reading and writing English. Just a thought.
(****) Instead, I said I wasn't complaining. I said I was merely pointing out that she didn't reply to my question the previous day "How are you?" or "What are you doing?" I can't remember the exact details I deleted the chat record. Maybe, she was annoyed about this. You see, guys, I'm going over the "what-ifs" scenarios. Paul, this is ridiculous. Maybe, she was annoyed that I was announcing that I wasn't complaining when, in her eyes, I was. Oh..
(*****) I should say at this point that she appears to be a highly motivated and successful young woman. Helping with the Sichuan earthquake. And, here I am, Paul Carr, lying on your (stinking) ass here in Beijing doing fuck all apart from learning Chinese badly and jogging occasionally.
(******) She had told me she may meet me the next day if she wasn't busy that is. Okay, here's another thing, I'm wondering to myself. Am I intimidated by successful women? Is this why I have behaved like such a shit over the past few days? Is this why she is so so successful with her own bought apartment (apparently) if I heard correctly her great job and extensive interestsm which chime nicely into her career and jet-setting lifestyle. Ah,bullshit, according to her, I don't make the grade. Good luck, lady, in finding your successful foreigner stud. Probably a Yank from Texas and an athlete to boot. I never had a chance. Time to move on Paul. Just look at her photos, breath them in, her infinite beauty and weep. HeHe
(*******) Our communications got off to a bad start and I guess there were trust issues between the two of us. That's not good. I'm just looking for a woman who will give me a hug and a kiss and wipe away my tears and rock me in her lap and sooth me and cuddle me like a new born baby. Hard to come by. But, I reckon if I really want that kind of closeness, Paul, you have to learn to trust all the more. And, take the pain, if it doesn't work out. What I'm saying, Paul Carr, is that, actually, you're heading in the right direction so keep going in that direction regardless of how fucking strong the cross-winds are. Soldier on, Paul Carr, soldier on.
(********) I still haven't. HeHe. I deleted her on msn messenger but didn't bar her. Maybe, I'm hoping she's write bck for another bout. This is her cue to write back to me to say something like, "Hey, shit, I'm NEVER MEETING YOU EVER". "Can't you read?". "I'm a successful, vindictive,materially successful and spiritual successful woman, never interested in meeting a worm like you except to be my shit pot perhaps." "To which, I reply, Oh,thank you mistress." Jesus, I have to get out of this donkey shit of a blog called msn spaces. It's completely censored. Paul Carr, what the fuck are you thinking.
(*********) And to top it all off, msn spaces is prone to censorship as I found out last year. START A BLOGSPOT BLOG, PAUL CARR!! More secure. Even if it means that ordinarily chinese people won't be reading it because of the great firewall of China and the blogspot service is often a victim of it.
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